Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Jarsen the Fandom Panda and the Neon Volvo

(Pic from here, edit by me, Jarsen by Jarsen)
As you may remember from last month's Jarsen post, I promised you the 14 squirrels, pint of ice cream, and neon Volvo story. Well, good things come to those who wait. And you waited. So here: it's a good thing. (If Martha Stewart beats me up with her rolling pin, I blame you.)

So Jarsen wanted ice cream. And not just any ice cream, but bamboo cheesecake ice cream. At 4 in the morning. So instead of waiting for morning to tell his mother he wanted some bamboo cheesecake-y goodness, he Googled the nearest carrier and grabbed/stole the car keys and made a voyage out.

After driving for about five minutes, Jarsen came across a squirrel lying in the middle of the road. (AAAAaaaaaAaand before you flip, nobody dies in this story.) And being a nice and considerate panda, Jarsen got out to check on the little fella.

"Mister? Are you okay?" Jarsen asked.

"Just leave me here to die!" lamented the squirrel.

"I can't do that," Jarsen said. "As a member of the fandoms and the blogging community, it would reflect badly on my peers. And, dying is bad. Can you just tell me what's wrong?"

"Well," said the squirrel, "my love, my fiancee, my confidante Marie has left me for another. She leaves with Jacques on the red-eye to France tonight. I can't bear it--no offense, panda man--so I'm ending my life. How could I, a mere squirrel from the city, compare to Frenchy McFrenchers with his suaveness and squirrel-stache."

"Listen," Jarsen said. " I don't know you. I don't know Marie. I don't know your relationship. But I know a good 'ship when I see it. And this is some Hugh Grant level romantic torment going on right here. And if I can't stand by Hugh Grant, who can I stand by? I declare it a ship. And I shan't sit idly by while it sinks. Come with me mister squirrel."

After geting in the car--and fastening their seat belts, I have been informed--the squirrel told Jarsen what happend.

Irving, our squirrel, and Marie where squirrelschool sweethearts. Irving has a job in town as an acorn harvester, while Marie is a fashion designer. Marie got an internship in France, where she met Jacques. Jacques fell in love with Marie, and even though she did not respond to his overtures, she felt deeply for him too. When Irving and Marie had a falling out, she called Jacques, distraught, but not expecting him to do more than listen. Instead, he made a grand gesture: he flew over in his private jet to woo Marie. Very grand, huh? Marie was so moved by this, that after he arrived, she gave in and left Irving a note that read:
"The heart wants what the heart wants. And it doesn't want you. I'm leaving with Jacques on the 5 am red-eye to France. Don't follow me. Goodbye, Irving."
So they had to follow her, obvs.

After like, 20 seconds, Jarsen noticed the car being tailed. By a neon yellow Volvo. Not very inconspicuous, making it the perfect tailing vehicle. Not hidden in plain sight and all that. So after a mile or so, Jarsen started to speed up, slow down, and do all the driving stuff he learned watching Taxi Brooklyn. They arrived at the squirrelport with the neon yellow Volvo still hot on their heels, or wheels if you must. With no time to waste, Irving and Jarsen hopped out of the car to find Marie. But as they did, 12 squirrels jumped out of the neon yellow Volvo (because I don't think you can see "neon yellow Volvo" enough). These were mean looking squirrels. They had biker jackets and nose rings and crap like that, and as Jarsen and Irving ran to find Marie, the mean-looking, biker-jacket-and-nose-ring-wearing squirrels chased them. Wind rushing through their fur, Jarsen and Irving ran for their lives: you don't know what a motivated biker squirrel can do to a panda. They rounded a corner to find Marie and Jacques preparing to board the plane.

"Stop!" Irving shouted over the roar of the engine. "Marie! I love you! You can't go! I'll do whatever you need. I've loved you since the day we met. If you need me to support your dreams more, I will. I'll do whatever it takes to keep you with me. You're my heart and soul. You're my life, Marie. And I know I have issues, but you could always look past them," he said taking her hands in his. "I love you Marie. And don't let this French poseur mess up a great thing. I love you and there's nothing else to say. And if that's not enough..." he trailed off like the trickle of tears rolling down his face.

"Irving...Jacques...," Marie said, "I can't do this. With either of you. I need some time to figure out who I am before I can know who I want to be with. I'm sorry. To both of you--I truly am. I just can't right now. " And with that, she picked up her squirrelcase and walked away.

Jacques and Irving look at each other. Jarsen looked at them. The biker squirrels looked at their toes.

"Tough luck man," said the lead biker squirrel. "You win some, you lose some."

"By the way, what are you guys doing here?" Jarsen asked the lead biker squirrel. "Who sent you and why were you following us?"

"Oh, yeah," lead biker squirrel said, pulling a flyer out from his jacket. "We're the 'Squirrels of Our Lord and Perpetual Redeemer Mission Club.' We wanted to talk to you about our Lord and Savior." He handed Jacques, Jarsen and Irving flyers.

"You were chasing us!" Jarsen said.

"We're passionate about evangelism!"

The evangelical squirrels got back into their neon yellow Volvo and drove away. Jarsen then noticed "Jesusmobile" painted across the back of the car.

"You wanna get some get some ice cream?" Jarsen asked.

"Sure," said Irving.

"Oui!" said Jacques.

"Not you," said Jarsen to Jacques. "You do not deserve ice cream. You are a horrible home-wrecking squirrel and it's a shame that you share the same species as Irving. You can rot in the cage with Adam for all I care."

"Who's Adam?" asked Irving.

"Nobody remembers!" said Jarsen.

Then Jarsen and Irving went for ice cream.

In other Fanling news, this picture:
(pic from here, edit by me)
Get it? It's a giveaway on the horizon.

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